(Washington, DC)—The Senate impeachment trial of President Trump was halted today when Democratic Senators noticed that Bernie Sanders (D-VT) was missing from the Senate chambers. Some thought it was yet another long bathroom break for the 78-year-old presidential candidate, but when three hours had passed, and there was no sign of him, Capitol Hill police were called.
“Nobody here likes him, so at first we were just glad he was gone,” said Chris Coons (D-DE). “But then a couple of us recalled he had that heart attack a few weeks ago, and we grudgingly decided to stop this all-important impeachment business and send someone to look for the old coot.”
“I’d rather share an efficiency apartment with Ted Cruz for a whole weekend than talk to Bernie for five minutes,” said Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL). “Still, we’re going to need his vote to convict Trump… I mean we’re going to need his unbiased, un-prejudged vote when the time comes.”
“That dang codger,” Rep. Adam Schiff (D-MA), one of the impeachment managers, complained. “Just when we were on a roll proving that Trump obstructed our plan to impeach him for no reason, old Mr. Alzheimer’s decides to wander off to God-knows-where.”
Sen. Sanders was eventually found in a remote location of Gettysburg National Military Park, some 90 miles from Washington, with a single tear slowly making its way down his right cheek, and mumbling, “No, no, Hillary. It’s not true. I have a lot of friends. My wife likes me… I like me.”
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