leftist

Plenty of Christmas gifts have been suggested by our imaginative contributors for imaginative conservatives; some affordable, some posh, but always appropriate. But what do we give to our Leftist friends, assuming that we have any?

One should not suggest anything that mocks their obvious deficiencies, even if those are self-induced; after all, Christmas gifts ought to be given in a spirit of Christian generosity. It must bring the recipients some pleasure, so forget about the lifetime supply of Mike Church/King Dude t-shirts, coffee mugs and publications (no matter how much that might improve them up until their embolisms burst).

For Leftishly-inclined students and educators, nothing will be as welcome as the new talking e-book readers. Besides being another gadget, it offers one a chance to be seen using an ordinary and still trendy e-book reader, even if he or she is utterly illiterate and cannot even puzzle out the sell-by date on a pot of organic yoghurt. Basically no more than a clunkier iPod, it reads one the text aloud through a discrete earphone: no one ever need know that you had a state education! No wonder why members of the teachers union are buying ‘em up like hotcakes!

Throw in something to listen to on it, perhaps President Obama’s (now remaindered) autobiography read by George Clooney. Or if you have cash to spare before your taxes are increased, fork out for a pre-publication copy of the Prez’s forthcoming hit, “Yes We Still Can but Show Some Patience, Dammit!”

For Progressive law students, consider the app that lets them write their own US Constitution (good practice for later).

Progressive kiddies will welcome wedding dolls and (costly) accoutrements, in which Barbie marries her single-sex look-alike, or if one prefers, Ken and Ken. The bride and bride can be supplied with identical tuxedos, and the guys in white lace and veils, but you might draw the line at the doll-sized “Safe Sex Packets.”

Sony PlayStation 2 has a new offering, Final Fantasy XXII, but it deviates somewhat from their previous recipes for success. What age of child, one wonders, really wants to generate economic growth by inflating the money-supply? (That’s what happens when you ask Paul Krugman and Ben Bernanke to entertain youngsters or set national economic policy).

For the more traditionally-minded Leftist, board games provide a chance to bring the entire family together to pass along bad values. A modern take on the venerable vocabulary-building favourite is called Scrambble, but woe betide the player who spells a word correctly! The new board game ObamaCare is a version of Chutes and Ladders good for all ages (“You rolled a six! The State can’t afford to keep mom alive…”). Several new election games allow a contestant to win with only 47% (available too in Spanish).

For Leftist old-folks there are carbon-neutral, hand-woven, fair-trade, organic hemp colostomy bags. Or consider manual hand-crank generators to save them buying environmentally-harmful batteries for their Pacemakers; it keeps their eco-consciences ticking along with their (one hopes metaphorically) bleeding hearts!

For Leftist friends who are politically active and community-oriented consider gift certificates for live or online courses that will please them. ACORN, or here, may offer classes in organising voter registration fraud, or know where they are available.

If your Lefty friends or relations are global warming alarmists (and who aren’t?) this can present problems because almost every gift leaves a carbon-footprint however small. Even a Saul Alinsky first-edition killed trees.

This website offers supposedly carbon-neutral gifts, but all appear to have been made in mammoth factories owned by evil multi-national corporations and manned by Chinese political prisoners. The Offset Carbon Company sells gift vouchers, ostensibly supporting eco-friendly Third World development, commensurate with the “global damage” done by a long-haul holiday flight or driving to work: but if your favourite Leftist owns a few hundred head of flatulent cattle (the planet-killing swine!) you may need to do your own calculations.

You will have your own creative ideas for other gifts, and write them in below. But a sure-fire crowd-pleaser for a true Leftist Progressive is always the Christmas Nativity set with an empty manger!

Books on the people and topics discussed in this essay may be found in The Imaginative Conservative Bookstore

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