Government Eager to Get Back to Leaving Americans Alone

By |2020-04-14T15:58:39-05:00April 14th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(USA) — Government officials in Washington DC and across the country are looking forward to ending the national lockdown soon and returning to normal times, when Americans are allowed to go about their business without government direction or interference. "This whole Coronavirus thing really forced us into a new role," said one high official at [...]

Americans Mystified by Strangers Walking Through Their Neighborhoods

By |2020-03-28T11:49:20-05:00March 28th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(USA) — In recent days, Americans across the country have become worried about people they have never seen before walking through the streets of their towns. "It's frightening, really," says Joe Harkins of Dothan, Alabama. "They are sometimes walking in pairs, sometimes in groups with what appear to be their young offspring, even by themselves [...]

World Grateful That One Less Celebrity Will Get Coronavirus

By |2020-03-12T12:41:15-05:00March 12th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Los Angeles, CA)—Singer/model/actress Naomi Campbell was spotted yesterday at Tom Bradley International Airport wearing a full hazmat suit as she boarded a flight. Long known as a germophobe, Campbell's extreme measures in the face of the Coronavirus outbreak reassured her fellow passengers. "Thank God she is doing this," said Helen Ledbetter, who was trying to [...]

Democratic Party Releases Footage of Kidnapped Kamala Harris “Endorsing” Joe Biden

By |2020-03-09T08:24:31-05:00March 8th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Unknown location, USA)—In a videotaped statement released today by the secretive, radical group known as the Democratic National Committee, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA), speaking under obvious duress from an undisclosed location, read a prepared statement endorsing onetime rival, Joe Biden, for president. "It's quite clear that she's under coercion and that she doesn't mean what [...]

Nation Rejoices as Mike Bloomberg Advertising Campaign Ends

By |2020-03-04T10:49:55-06:00March 4th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(USA)—Bells rung out, people danced in the streets, and fireworks illuminated the skies late Tuesday night across America, as the election results from the Democratic primary contests rolled in, confirming that candidate Mike Bloomberg's only chance in 2020 is to become king of a separatist state in American Samoa. Americans everywhere quickly realized that this [...]

Bernie Sanders Picks the Coronavirus as His Running Mate

By |2020-02-27T15:21:58-06:00February 27th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Charleston, SC)—Democratic presidential frontrunner Bernie Sanders today announced that he would select the coronavirus as his running mate for the 2020 general election, if he indeed secures the presidential nomination. "First of all, I said I would pick a much younger candidate, and the virus is a lot younger than I am," Mr. Sanders said. [...]

Facebook Issues Urgent Call for Lazy Christians to Step Up Their Posting During Lent

By |2020-02-25T21:13:41-06:00February 25th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Menlo Park, CA)—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg today issued a personal plea to lazy, do-nothing Christians worldwide to increase their posting as much as possible during Lent as many real Christians are heroically taking Facebook fasts. "We desperately need... quote-unquote 'Christians'... who really don't sacrifice at all during Lent, and who eat lots of chocolate and [...]

Joe Biden Announces That He Identifies as Gay, Native-American, Socialist, Female Billionaire

By |2020-02-24T22:54:09-06:00February 24th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Columbia, SC)—In an effort to siphon support from his rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination, Joe Biden announced today that he now identifies as a gay, Native-American, socialist, female billionaire. "Look, I hear that all the kids are doing this identifying thing, so why not give it a try?" Mr. Biden told reporters at a [...]

Shock! Longtime Communist Foreign Government Favors Communist American Presidential Candidate

By |2020-02-22T21:40:15-06:00February 22nd, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Washington, DC)—Members of the mainstream media were shocked recently when reports from U.S. intelligence officials indicated that longtime communist KGB agents now serving at the top of the Russian government may in fact have been aiding a communist running for the presidency of the United States. "Why, why would Russia want Bernie Sanders to win?" [...]

Mike Bloomberg Cancels Company’s Annual Swimsuit Contest After Disastrous Debate Performance

By |2020-02-20T00:53:09-06:00February 20th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Las Vegas, NV)—After being skewered in tonight's debate by Elizabeth Warren for his alleged harassment of women at his companies, Democratic presidential candidate Michael R. Bloomberg immediately announced that he would end the Bloomberg Company's Annual Women's Swimsuit Competition, which had been mandatory for all female employees. "Yeah, it suddenly didn't seem like a good [...]

Satire Writers Praying That Joe Biden Stays in the Presidential Race

By |2020-02-19T16:27:48-06:00February 19th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(USA)—Satirists across the country were seen in various houses of worship over the last several days praying that floundering candidate Joe Biden remains in the Democratic presidential contest. "Joe's our bread-and-butter, to be sure," Chad Nackers, editor-in-chief of The Onion said. "He's probably been responsible for half of our web traffic since he declared for [...]