(Richmond, Texas)—Local man and founder of Luddites of Southeast Texas, Thomas W. Franklin, is having trouble understanding why his efforts to promote his group on social media are meeting with little success. "I don't get it," Mr. Franklin says. "I'm putting all these posts on Facebook in the wee hours of the morning, when I'm [...]
(Washington, DC)—It was revealed today that one of the Democrats' secret impeachment witnesses—a State Department employee—will claim that President Donald Trump "arched his right eyebrow" in a threatening manner during his now-famous April 21st phone call with then-Ukrainian President-elect Volodimyr Zelenskiy. Though the identity of the witness is not being revealed by the Democrats at [...]
(Washington, DC)—This morning, as the seven Democratic House impeachment managers solemnly walked through the United States Capitol building on their way to the Senate to deliver the articles of impeachment against Donald Trump, they soon got lost. "I think it is this way," Intelligence Chairman Adam Schiff said to Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler, as Rep. [...]
(Tehran)—In a somewhat surprising development, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was today appointed the new Supreme Leader of Iran, replacing Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khamenei, who resigned amid domestic protests against the Iranian regime, following the revelation that it lied about shooting down a Ukrainian civilian airliner last week. As part of the deal to resign [...]
(Des Moines, IA)— This morning, while cleaning up the set of last night's Democratic debate, a Drake University custodian found former Vice President Joseph R. Biden, Jr. still sleeping at his podium. "He was snoring pretty loudly, and my vacuuming didn't even seem to disturb him," said Zeke Harris, as he mopped around Mr. Biden's [...]
(The Vatican)—Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has caused quite a stir with the publication of his new book on the importance of priestly celibacy. From the Depths of Our Hearts, written with Cardinal Robert Sarah, seems to challenge Pope Francis' presumed desire to allow married deacons in the Amazon region to be ordained as priests. The [...]
Truth can seem harsh if unadorned, but with something pleasurable to recommend, it can penetrate more easily the minds of mortals. Pleasure is what catches a reader's attention and holds it when caught. Pleasure wins over all alike, unless someone is too stupid to be sensitive to the pleasures of the written word. What better [...]
(London)—On her way to the family meeting she called late last week to discuss the decision of her grandson Prince Harry and wife Meghan Markle to "step back" from their role as members of the royal family, Queen Elizabeth II was seen carrying her infamous "whuppin' stick." "This is a rarity indeed," one longtime royal [...]
(Washington, D.C.)—Senior U.S. intelligence officials reported to President Trump last night that satellite images and analysis from embedded U.S. spies have revealed that more Iranians were killed in the funeral proceedings of General Qasem Soleimani than in the U.S. drone strike that actually killed the terrorist. "We consider this finding to be pretty reliable," one [...]
(London)—Queen Elizabeth announced today that she will abdicate the throne of the United Kingdom by the end of the month in order to pursue a long-deferred career as a pop star and what she termed "financial independence." The 93-year-old monarch says she was inspired to pursue her dreams by the example of her grandson Prince [...]
After his outstanding performance hosting the 2020 Golden Globe Awards, the Democratic National Committee has enlisted British comedian Ricky Gervais to host its next presidential debate. "We couldn't think of anyone better to host our next presidential forum," DNC chairman Tom Perez said in a press release. "Everyone is buzzing about his performance at the [...]
'Twas the week before finals and all through the school All the students were panicked and losing their cool. The deadlines flew by because no one would heed The dates in the syllabus no one would read. The children were buried nose-deep in their studies While visions of failure plagued them and their buddies. But [...]
Pope Julius II: "If you don't hurry up and open the gates, I'll unleash my thunderbolt of excommunication with which I used to terrify great kings on earth and their kingdoms too. You see, I've already got a bull prepared for the occasion."/ St. Peter: "Just tell me, please, what you mean by all this [...]
Diogenes Booth The recent discovery of the works of previously unknown Irish-American philosopher, political essayist, actor, and musician Diogenes Booth has stunned the academic world. Among these are a brief autobiography, an extended commentary on the American Revolution, several essays on American politics during the Founding and early National periods, and even a [...]