(USA) — Government officials in Washington DC and across the country are looking forward to ending the national lockdown soon and returning to normal times, when Americans are allowed to go about their business without government direction or interference. "This whole Coronavirus thing really forced us into a new role," said one high official at [...]
(Gary, IN)—Gregory W. O'Connell was stunned when he signed back into Facebook at 12:00am local time after a 40-day absence from social media to hear about the COVID-19 pandemic. "Just shocked, really. Good golly. Which of us who gave up social media for Lent could have known about this? I mean, it was really quiet [...]
(Providence, RI) — In the wake of Rhode Island Governor Gina Raimondo's issuance today of an order to have New Yorkers in her state arrested in order to curtail the spread of the coronavirus, an instant poll by the Pew Research Company shows that 79% of Americans had already supported the concept of locking up [...]
(USA) — In recent days, Americans across the country have become worried about people they have never seen before walking through the streets of their towns. "It's frightening, really," says Joe Harkins of Dothan, Alabama. "They are sometimes walking in pairs, sometimes in groups with what appear to be their young offspring, even by themselves [...]
(Washington, DC)— Today President Trump announced that in an effort to make America free of dependence on China for products, the United States would begin manufacturing its own brand of COVID-19. "It's high time that we lessen our dependence on China," the president declared. "And one of the steps I am taking today is to [...]
(Los Angeles, CA)—Singer/model/actress Naomi Campbell was spotted yesterday at Tom Bradley International Airport wearing a full hazmat suit as she boarded a flight. Long known as a germophobe, Campbell's extreme measures in the face of the Coronavirus outbreak reassured her fellow passengers. "Thank God she is doing this," said Helen Ledbetter, who was trying to [...]
(Unknown location, USA)—In a videotaped statement released today by the secretive, radical group known as the Democratic National Committee, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA), speaking under obvious duress from an undisclosed location, read a prepared statement endorsing onetime rival, Joe Biden, for president. "It's quite clear that she's under coercion and that she doesn't mean what [...]
(USA)—Bells rung out, people danced in the streets, and fireworks illuminated the skies late Tuesday night across America, as the election results from the Democratic primary contests rolled in, confirming that candidate Mike Bloomberg's only chance in 2020 is to become king of a separatist state in American Samoa. Americans everywhere quickly realized that this [...]
(Charleston, SC)—Democratic presidential frontrunner Bernie Sanders today announced that he would select the coronavirus as his running mate for the 2020 general election, if he indeed secures the presidential nomination. "First of all, I said I would pick a much younger candidate, and the virus is a lot younger than I am," Mr. Sanders said. [...]
(Menlo Park, CA)—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg today issued a personal plea to lazy, do-nothing Christians worldwide to increase their posting as much as possible during Lent as many real Christians are heroically taking Facebook fasts. "We desperately need... quote-unquote 'Christians'... who really don't sacrifice at all during Lent, and who eat lots of chocolate and [...]
(Columbia, SC)—In an effort to siphon support from his rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination, Joe Biden announced today that he now identifies as a gay, Native-American, socialist, female billionaire. "Look, I hear that all the kids are doing this identifying thing, so why not give it a try?" Mr. Biden told reporters at a [...]
(Washington, DC)—Members of the mainstream media were shocked recently when reports from U.S. intelligence officials indicated that longtime communist KGB agents now serving at the top of the Russian government may in fact have been aiding a communist running for the presidency of the United States. "Why, why would Russia want Bernie Sanders to win?" [...]
(Las Vegas, NV)—After being skewered in tonight's debate by Elizabeth Warren for his alleged harassment of women at his companies, Democratic presidential candidate Michael R. Bloomberg immediately announced that he would end the Bloomberg Company's Annual Women's Swimsuit Competition, which had been mandatory for all female employees. "Yeah, it suddenly didn't seem like a good [...]
(USA)—Satirists across the country were seen in various houses of worship over the last several days praying that floundering candidate Joe Biden remains in the Democratic presidential contest. "Joe's our bread-and-butter, to be sure," Chad Nackers, editor-in-chief of The Onion said. "He's probably been responsible for half of our web traffic since he declared for [...]