(Charleston, SC)—Democratic presidential frontrunner Bernie Sanders today announced that he would select the coronavirus as his running mate for the 2020 general election, if he indeed secures the presidential nomination. "First of all, I said I would pick a much younger candidate, and the virus is a lot younger than I am," Mr. Sanders said. [...]
(Menlo Park, CA)—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg today issued a personal plea to lazy, do-nothing Christians worldwide to increase their posting as much as possible during Lent as many real Christians are heroically taking Facebook fasts. "We desperately need... quote-unquote 'Christians'... who really don't sacrifice at all during Lent, and who eat lots of chocolate and [...]
(Columbia, SC)—In an effort to siphon support from his rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination, Joe Biden announced today that he now identifies as a gay, Native-American, socialist, female billionaire. "Look, I hear that all the kids are doing this identifying thing, so why not give it a try?" Mr. Biden told reporters at a [...]
(Washington, DC)—Members of the mainstream media were shocked recently when reports from U.S. intelligence officials indicated that longtime communist KGB agents now serving at the top of the Russian government may in fact have been aiding a communist running for the presidency of the United States. "Why, why would Russia want Bernie Sanders to win?" [...]
(Las Vegas, NV)—After being skewered in tonight's debate by Elizabeth Warren for his alleged harassment of women at his companies, Democratic presidential candidate Michael R. Bloomberg immediately announced that he would end the Bloomberg Company's Annual Women's Swimsuit Competition, which had been mandatory for all female employees. "Yeah, it suddenly didn't seem like a good [...]
(USA)—Satirists across the country were seen in various houses of worship over the last several days praying that floundering candidate Joe Biden remains in the Democratic presidential contest. "Joe's our bread-and-butter, to be sure," Chad Nackers, editor-in-chief of The Onion said. "He's probably been responsible for half of our web traffic since he declared for [...]
(Las Vegas, NV)—On the campaign trail today, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden suggested that he would consider former failed Republican presidential candidate Jeb! [sic] Bush as his vice presidential running mate. "That son-of-a-gun Bloomberg ain't gonna out-loser ol' Joe Biden," Mr. Biden told reporters. "He thinks he can show me up by winning this thing [...]
(Columbia, SC)—His presidential campaign marching into oblivion faster than a dog-faced pony soldier, Democrat Joe Biden today called his scandal-ridden son, Hunter, and asked for a job. "Hunter, it's Dad," reporters overheard Mr. Biden say as he pulled out a cell phone at an early-morning campaign stop. "No... no... no... it's nothing to do with [...]
(Columbia, SC)—In an attempt to lighten up the atmosphere of his failing presidential campaign, Democrat Joe Biden today issued what he terms "Joe's Handy Guide to Valentine's Day." In a series of bullet points, Mr. Biden offers some tips for romance that he has learned over the years: —Women love pet names: Develop an endearing [...]
(New York, NY)—New York Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman today unleashed on the Houston Astros for cheating in an angry tirade on the eve of baseball's spring training. "It's outrageous," Mr. Cashman fumed to the media. "I mean, they've only been at it for a couple years now, while we've been finding different ways to [...]
(Nashua, NH)—The Republican party today filed a missing person's report for the long-unseen "husband" of Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg. Indeed, Chasten Buttigieg has not been seen on the campaign trail since prior to the time that Mr. Buttigieg—that is, Pete Buttigieg—announced his candidacy. "It's troubling," said Ronna McDaniel, the chairman of the Republican National [...]
(Washington, DC)—In the wake of Republican Sen. Mitt Romney's tear-filled speech in which he talked about the insomnia he suffers due to the extraordinary weight of his outsized, super-human conscience, many people around the country have been spotted wearing bracelets emblazoned with the lettering "WWMD?" Based on the popular "What Would Jesus Do?" slogan, the [...]
(Washington, DC)—Dr. Irving P. Lendrim, author of I See You, I Hear You, watched President Trump's State of the Union Address tonight and had some tentative conclusions about what Democrats in the chamber thought of the remarks. "Body language interpretation is not an exact science," said Dr. Lendrim, "but I'm pretty comfortable drawing some conclusions [...]
(Washington, DC)—House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, in a fit of pique at the end of what everyone outside the mainstream media, the majority of Democratic primary voters, and the remaining communist world leaders deemed to be the most outstanding State of the Union Address ever delivered by a President of the United States, tonight tore up [...]