(Tehran)—In a somewhat surprising development, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was today appointed the new Supreme Leader of Iran, replacing Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khamenei, who resigned amid domestic protests against the Iranian regime, following the revelation that it lied about shooting down a Ukrainian civilian airliner last week.
As part of the deal to resign his governorship, Gov. Cuomo was also made an honorary Islamic cleric.
“He’s the perfect choice, really,” said Iranian president Hassan Rouhani. “We were especially impressed by his enthusiastic signing of the abortion law last year, which allows abortion in all cases up to the birth of the baby. I mean, if he’s willing to do that, he will have no trouble ordering the killing of peaceful protesters or the shooting down of civilian airliners… whoops… I mean, if that were ever necessary… which we didn’t do, by the way… I mean, we admit only to the airliner thing… I think.”
Said the outgoing Supreme Leader, Ali Hosseini Khamenei: “Did you see the way he lit up the buildings New York in celebration of the coming slaughter of thousands of innocent babies? Herod’s got nothing on him! All we can do is lamely paint the flags of our enemies on college quads for students to step on…. he’s lighting up the entire city!”
In a joint press conference with Governor Cuomo, Khamenei added: “Mr. Cuomo is also great at… uh… bending the truth, as circumstances dictate.” A flattered Gov. Cuomo smiled and responded: “Well, what is truth, anyway?”
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