(Washington, D.C.)—Senior U.S. intelligence officials reported to President Trump last night that satellite images and analysis from embedded U.S. spies have revealed that more Iranians were killed in the funeral proceedings of General Qasem Soleimani than in the U.S. drone strike that actually killed the terrorist.

“We consider this finding to be pretty reliable,” one CIA analyst told TIC on condition that he remain anonymous. “We estimate that nine other people in addition to Soleimani were killed in the drone strike of January 3rd, while approximately 56 Iranians were trampled to death at his funeral.” “He’s the terrorist that keeps on killing,” President Trump said this morning. “Even after he’s dead. A bad, bad guy. Everybody said so.”

The finding has led some senior members of the Trump foreign policy team to reconsider conducting risky and costly drone attacks and instead substitute a program of infiltration in which the funerals of long-dead Iranian leaders like the infamous Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini—whose 1989 funeral resulted in the death of eight mourners and the tearing apart of the religious leader’s coffin—are simply re-staged.

“It’s simply a numbers game,” the CIA official concluded. “No way we can kill as many Iranians so cheaply and easily as an Iranian state funeral can.”

The Imaginative Conservative applies the principle of appreciation to the discussion of culture and politics—we approach dialogue with magnanimity rather than with mere civility. We also sometimes add a dose of humor to our journal in the great tradition of Western satirists like Erasmus of Rotterdam, John Dryden, and Jonathan Swift. Will you help us remain a refreshing oasis in the increasingly contentious arena of modern discourse? Please consider donating now.

The featured image is courtesy of Wikimedia Commons and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license.

All comments are moderated and must be civil, concise, and constructive to the conversation. Comments that are critical of an essay may be approved, but comments containing ad hominem criticism of the author will not be published. Also, comments containing web links or block quotations are unlikely to be approved. Keep in mind that essays represent the opinions of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Imaginative Conservative or its editor or publisher.

Leave a Comment
Print Friendly, PDF & Email