(Washington, DC)—In a stunning turn of events, House impeachment managers today accused President Trump of illegally removing one of those mattress tags from a White House bed. In front of sleepy, bored-stiff Senators—some of whom had their heads leaned backward as they counted ceiling tiles—Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) declared: “We have new evidence from a member of the White House cleaning staff—let’s just call her “Lucinda”—that Mr. Trump himself pulled off the tag, which clearly said, in capital letters, ‘DO NOT REMOVE.”

“If a president is capable of this kind of violation of the law,” Mr. Schiff ominously added, “we have to ask, what else is he capable of.”

Originally, the House of Representatives had charged President Trump with “abuse of power” and “being mean to Democrats in Congress,” but when those accusations fell flat in the face of the need for actual evidence, the impeachment managers shifted ground to “bribery” and “extortion.” However, when even Democratic Senators joined their Republicans colleagues in bouts of uproarious laughter in response to those claims, Mr. Schiff pivoted again, this time to the mattress tag charge.

“No one is above the law,” Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY) intoned solemnly, as if he were the first ever to utter the cliché. “Not even the President of the United States.”

At last report, Democratic House members were frantically listing their impeachment pens on eBay, where the top selling price had plunged to 68 cents.

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The featured image combines a photograph of President Trump in the public domain, and a photograph of a mattress licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license, both courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

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