(Washington, DC)—Covington Catholic High School student Nick Sandmann had to save his allowance for six months to attend the March For Life in Washington last year. But this year, CNN was gracious enough to fund the trip in its entirety. “It’s so nice of them,” Mr. Sandmann said. “I mean, not only did they pay for my spot on the bus out here, but they also paid for all my meals and my luxury suite at the Trump International Hotel; it’s got a jacuzzi and everything. Can’t wait to get the chill off after the march by soaking in that thing.”

Mr. Sandmann’s father told reporters that CNN is also kindly covering the costs of his son’s college education, medical school, first car and house, and full retirement plan—plus the purchase of either a major league baseball or NFL team, depending on what Nick decides later in life.

At press time, young Mr. Sandmann was discussing with the Murdoch family the purchase of CNN rival, FoxNews.

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