(London)—Queen Elizabeth announced today that she will abdicate the throne of the United Kingdom by the end of the month in order to pursue a long-deferred career as a pop star and what she termed “financial independence.”
The 93-year-old monarch says she was inspired to pursue her dreams by the example of her grandson Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, who recently announced that they were stepping back from their royal roles “to carve out a progressive new role within this institution.”
“I mean, why not?” the Queen blurted out when asked about her momentous decision. “I’ve been stuck in this role of fuddy-duddy for almost 70 years. You’ve all seen it in The Crown—having to deal with my crazy, partying sister, cranky old Winnie Churchill, crybaby Charles… enough is enough already!”
When asked about her duty to country and kingdom, the Queen responded, “Oh pish-posh. Duty, schmooty. It’s time for me to have a voice, to be true to myself.” The Queen cited the advanced age of other famous, still-performing rock stars like Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney when reporters wondered whether she was too old to have a singing career.
“And besides,” the Queen concluded. “Charles is ready to be king now. He’s always shown good judgment at least. I mean, he always thought Camilla was hotter than Diana.”
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