(Columbia, SC)—In an effort to siphon support from his rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination, Joe Biden announced today that he now identifies as a gay, Native-American, socialist, female billionaire.

“Look, I hear that all the kids are doing this identifying thing, so why not give it a try?” Mr. Biden told reporters at a press conference. “There’s got to be a reason I’m losing to the rest of these jokers, and I can’t imagine what it could be except that I’m a… er, used to be… a straight, white, big-government, male millionaire. Too vanilla, ya’ know? This should really broaden my appeal to every group in the Democratic electorate and clinch this thing.”

“Plus, I have some more Corn Pop stories I’m going to sprinkle in along the campaign trail going forward. That way I really cover all my bases.”

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