As a woman, I constantly need to be rescued. I can’t say no. I do what I want, and if I can’t, someone better give me the means to do it anyways. I am completely free and liberated!
I know what you’re thinking: since when did liberation mean total dependence on the government?
Since… now! Welcome to 2012, baby! My name is Julie, not Julia, and I don’t approve of this plan. Enjoy the show folks, and don’t forget that your tax dollars paid for this govertisment.
Age 3: Under President Obama, Julia’s parents enroll her in the local pre-school, even though they think she’s not ready. School choice means the government chooses when a child is ready and what school a child will go to based on crucial factors like zip code.
Age 17: President Obama, now 6 years passed the allotted amount of time for a Presidential term, continues to take credit for other people’s success.
Age 18: Julia applies for government loans and not private ones, because who doesn’t want to pay more when government interest rates double from 3.4% to 6.8% in July 2012?
Age 22: Julia has surgery during college, which would have been covered under her parents’ insurance anyways based on the fact that she is in actively enrolled in college, not her age. Under the new health care reform, Julia might not have been able to have a timely surgery if it was not dire enough, due to basic supply and demand.
Age 23: Julia doesn’t worry about finding a job during the recession: she knows she can sue her way into one.
Age 25: Forgetting she had just gotten a job as a web designer, Julia went to grad school, showing fiscal responsibility by going into more debt… and making her payments on time! President Obama is now also head of the Federal Reserve, and sends out candy hearts reminding everyone to vote for him in the next election.
Age 27: It isn’t clear whether Julia is married or not, but we all know men are irrelevant when it comes to having the child disease these days.
Age 31: Julia is going to have a baby! She doesn’t mind the contradictory argument that women are exactly the same as men, except when it comes to pregnancy: then they should have extra benefits! No word yet on if Julia is married, and how much money the government would save if all these check-ups and prenatal care was covered under her husband’s plan.
Age 37: Julia sends her child to public school because, well, that’s where she went. The public schools have better facilities and great teachers, but their test scores aren’t quite on par with with the private alternatives: St. Rita’s School for the Blind and The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good. But President Obama (long may he reign!) put a lot of work into public education programs, so they must be good!
Age 42: Yay for her! More loans!
Age 65: Julia values healthcare enough to want it, but not to substantially help pay for it. She continues to charge full-price for her web design services while paying a fraction of the cost drug companies need to pay off the risk and up-front cost of the drug they’ve spent the last 25 years developing.
Age 67: Julia is pleasantly surprised there is money left for her in Social Security (no longer a temporary program), and glad, because she has apparently set up no alternative finances to help pay for the 20-30 years she has left to live. No word from Zachary since he was shipped off to public school.
And now, a word from our sponsors:
With friends like these, who needs… anything? Hooray for freedom!
Books on the topic of this essay may be found in The Imaginative Conservative Bookstore.