(Menlo Park, CA)—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg today issued a personal plea to lazy, do-nothing Christians worldwide to increase their posting as much as possible during Lent as many real Christians are heroically taking Facebook fasts.
“We desperately need… quote-unquote ‘Christians’… who really don’t sacrifice at all during Lent, and who eat lots of chocolate and meat, to fill the newsfeeds of their friends,” Mr. Zuckerberg said. “This darned Facebook Fast stuff has really caught on the last few years, and if people don’t see enough of the latest selfies of their friends and new photos of their pets and meals every 10 seconds when they check Facebook, they are liable to go on Facebook only every 30 seconds or so, costing us valuable revenue.”
“Look, I get it. Christianity has a history of great ascetics: St. Anthony the Great, Simeon Stylites, and now all these people giving up social media for Lent. But we really need the slothful among you Christians—and you know who you are—to post like mad for the next few weeks.”
“We’re even going to offer Whataburger, Five Guys, and In-N-Out Burger coupons, redeemable on Fridays in March, to the top Christian posters.”
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Yes, I will contribute to Imaginative Conservative not just as a form of appreciation of your total efforts, but in addition for one of the most hilarious commentaties I have seen. Poor Berg.