(USA)—Bells rung out, people danced in the streets, and fireworks illuminated the skies late Tuesday night across America, as the election results from the Democratic primary contests rolled in, confirming that candidate Mike Bloomberg’s only chance in 2020 is to become king of a separatist state in American Samoa. Americans everywhere quickly realized that this meant the end of the relentless, half-billion-dollar TV and social media advertising campaign with which Mr. Bloomberg had clogged the airwaves and uncounted millions of Facebook and Twitter feeds in the last several weeks.
“Yes… Yes… YES!!!” screamed Mary Radigan of Bakersfield, California, as she frolicked through the streets waving a set of Christmas lights in one hand and a Fourth of July sparkler in the other. “We will soon be free of Bloomberg’s oppressive, constant presence. Every screen I looked at, within five minutes there was his small, creepy face, on that tiny, tiny body. It was worse than having Big Brother in your life.” She added with a giggle: “Or maybe that should be ‘Little Brother’… hee-hee.”
“I’d rather watch those GEICO gecko commercials 24/7 than see one more Bloomberg ad,” said a relieved Mike Mountcastle of Clifton, Virginia, as he removed a dark-colored bath towel that had been covering his flatscreen TV. “Or even play the Baby Shark song a hundred times straight. To tell you the truth, I never really knew who he was. But he sure was both boring and annoying at the same time.”
The enthusiasm of some of those celebrating was dampened when they came to realize that the end of Mike Bloomberg’s campaign might mean that they see more Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders ads soon.
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