(Ottawa)—Last night, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that Canada would offer asylum to a husband-and-wife team whom British security forces have been monitoring for years. According to top British intelligence officials, the two constituted a sleeper cell—”an undetected cancer on the Royal family and body politic,” as one agent put it—that had been activated in the last few days after becoming radicalized through their long-term exposure to certain websites espousing extreme ideas: such as Greenpeace, the Climate Project, the Center for Reproductive Rights, Louis Vuitton, and Twitter.

Recently, the wife had fled to Canada to escape capture, punishment, and, worse, a severe tongue-lashing by Queen Elizabeth. The radical woman’s husband, however, had been apprehended and detained briefly by members of the Royal family and police. Advanced interrogation tactics were used on the man, such as suddenly stripping him of his title, taunting him about his wiser, much more mature older brother (“You’ll never be King!” one agent screamed at him repeatedly), and forcing him to listen, for hours on end, to tapes of his wife complaining about “the awful British weather,” “these yucky commoners,” and “how the paparazzi don’t take enough pictures of me.”

Unfortunately, in a lapse of judgment, British police allowed the man to escape custody after he offered to “step outside for a moment” and retrieve for each of the interrogators a commemorative mug emblazoned with the couple’s wedding portrait and a just-copyrighted “Harry & Meghan” hoodie (to retail for 39.99 USD),  featuring the couple’s new motto, “The Secret of Our Sussex.” The red, curly-headed man is believed to be on the way to Canada to join his wife… for some inexplicable reason.

Meanwhile, the Queen is said to be “tired of these ungrateful, little brats” and is reported to have threatened those members of the couple’s family still living in England that she “will be watching them like a hawk” and “to be on their best behavior from now on… or else.”

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The featured image combines an image of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle licensed by Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license, and an image of the Canadian flag that has been released into the public domain by its author, Zscout370.

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