(Des Moines, IA)—Having faced criticism for his repeated, inappropriate touching of women over the years at public events, former Vice President Joe Biden, in a bid to display his fair treatment of two of the three genders he recognizes, has now extended his touching to include men.

Last night, as a voter questioned Mr. Biden about the effectiveness of his climate change policy, his temperature, like that of the Earth, obviously and quickly rose, and he couldn’t help but pat, poke, and pull at the man as he whispered softly in his ear to “go vote for someone else.”

“It was a sweet, intimate moment, as Joe… ahem… connected with a voter,” a witness to the interaction told reporters. “It’s obviously good old Regular Joe being good old Regular Joe. He simply likes to paw at people in public, and I for one am glad that he is not just sniffing women’s hair and giving them deep shoulder massages but is now aggressively slapping men on the chest, grabbing them by the lapels, even using pet names for them like “Fatso”… there’s obviously some genuine heat behind this physicality of his.”

At last report, Mr. Biden was seen putting him arm snugly around another man and saying, “Did I ever tell you the story of how I stared down Corn Pop?”

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