(Columbia, SC)—In an attempt to lighten up the atmosphere of his failing presidential campaign, Democrat Joe Biden today issued what he terms “Joe’s Handy Guide to Valentine’s Day.” In a series of bullet points, Mr. Biden offers some tips for romance that he has learned over the years:

Women love pet names: Develop an endearing little nickname for that special someone—for example,  “Child,” “Fatso,” or my favorite, “Lying, Dog-Faced Pony Soldier.” They’ll be putty in your hands, fella!

Use music to set the mood: Turn on the old record player, lay a 78-rpm piece of vinyl of a Benny Goodman song on it, and let nature take its course!

Women love surprises: For example, sneaking up behind them and unexpectedly grabbing their shoulders and sniffing their hair really sets the mood. This works especially well on total strangers.

Tell them some great stories about your machismo: Jill always loves it when I tell stories about my days as a lifeguard at the segregated pool, especially the story of when I bested old Corn Pop in the parking lot with my chain.

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The featured image is “Joe Biden” by Gage Skidmore is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 .

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