(Washington, DC)—The restless spirit of the 16th President of the United States appeared at the White House today and began loudly calling for troops to be sent to quell the secession of Great Britain from the European Union.
Abraham Lincoln’s ghost has long been said to haunt the building, particularly the Lincoln Bedroom, but this was the first prolonged sighting in which several White House officials witnessed the apparition. “He was really animated,” said one speechwriter for the president. “He kept saying that we would lose far too much revenue if the island were allowed to leave the Union. When we tried to explain that this had nothing to do with the United States, and that Great Britain just wanted to be left alone, the ghost laughed and said something about the mystic chords of the Union being unbreakable.”
Another official said he heard a nasally, high-pitched, twangy voice singing at the end of the hallway leading to the Lincoln bedroom: “The EU forever, hurrah boys hurrah, down with the traitors, and up with the stars!” When he investigated, he saw the ghost of Lincoln rehearsing before a mirror: “Two score and seven years ago, Britain’s fathers ceded their sovereignty to the European continent, and made a new nation, conceived in captivity and dedicated to the proposition that all men will not be treated equally.”
“Whenever we used the terms ‘Brexit’ or ‘secession’ in trying to reason with the ghost, it simply seemed to enrage him,” said the official.
At last report, the ghost was said to be looking around the White House and asking, “What is the deal with all the red baseball caps and gold-plated stuff around the place these days?”
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