(New York, NY)—New York Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman today unleashed on the Houston Astros for cheating in an angry tirade on the eve of baseball’s spring training. “It’s outrageous,” Mr. Cashman fumed to the media. “I mean, they’ve only been at it for a couple years now, while we’ve been finding different ways to cheat for decades. And they outsmart us in 2017 AND 2019? C’mon!”

“I mean, we’ve had our pitchers use pine tar, we’ve had hitters slap the ball out of fielders’ gloves, pretend to get hit by pitches… we’ve had runners on base yell ‘I got it!’ to fool the opposing infielders on pop-ups… heck, we even tried switching off Yankee Stadium’s lights when the Orioles were batting. And let’s not even talk about how we were the kings of steroid use in the 90s. But these johnny-come-lately yahoos go from pathetic to great all of a sudden by using a simple video camera and a dang trash can—A TRASH CAN, for crying out loud—and suddenly they’re beating us and going to the World Series.”

“When we started to see what was happening, we even hired Carlos Beltran—who came up with the Astros’ scheme—as a ‘special assistant’ last year to help us develop some new… ahem… ‘devices’ to win games. Yeah, where did that get us? We still lost to the Astros and their buzzers and trash cans. Really disappointed in Carlos.”

“I mean, if we can’t cheat better than everyone else, we don’t even deserve to be called the New York Yankees.”

Editor’s Note: Though this essay is satire, the New York Yankees really have cheated in all the ways—and more—mentioned above. See “Why Hating the New York Yankees is Good for the Soul.”

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The featured image combines a detail from a photograph of Aaron Judge of the New York Yankees during a game against the Baltimore Orioles at Oriole Park at Camden Yards on September 4, 2017 in Baltimore, Maryland, taken by Keith Allison from Hanover, MD, USA, and licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0, with an image of Alex Bregman taking an at-bat on 2 March 2019, 15:36:59, by D. Benjamin Miller, who is the copyright holder of this work and who has released this work into the public domain. The top image of New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman at a H.O.P.E. Event prior to a game against the Toronto Blue Jays at Yankee Stadium in the Bronx, New York, NY on June 18, 2014, was taken by Brian Marschhauser and is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

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