(New York, NY)—New York Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman today unleashed on the Houston Astros for cheating in an angry tirade on the eve of baseball's spring training. "It's outrageous," Mr. Cashman fumed to the media. "I mean, they've only been at it for a couple years now, while we've been finding different ways to [...]

(Nashua, NH)—The Republican party today filed a missing person's report for the long-unseen "husband" of Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg. Indeed, Chasten Buttigieg has not been seen on the campaign trail since prior to the time that Mr. Buttigieg—that is, Pete Buttigieg—announced his candidacy. "It's troubling," said Ronna McDaniel, the chairman of the Republican National [...]

(Washington, DC)—Dr. Irving P. Lendrim, author of I See You, I Hear You, watched President Trump's State of the Union Address tonight and had some tentative conclusions about what Democrats in the chamber thought of the remarks. "Body language interpretation is not an exact science," said Dr. Lendrim, "but I'm pretty comfortable drawing some conclusions [...]

(Charleston, SC)—Holding in his trembling right hand what appeared to be a typical Valentine's Day greeting card, Bernie Sanders was seen fighting back tears today while out on the campaign trail. When a reporter asked Senator Sanders who sent the card, he sputtered through clenched teeth and a quivering upper lip, "Hillary... Hillary sent the [...]

(Moscow)—President Vladimir Putin today hired the Iowa Democratic party to monitor the next Russian presidential election... whenever Mr. Putin deigns to hold another such event. "We were very impressed with the Iowa Democrats' ability to conceal a clear fraud," said Putin advisor, Alexei Volkonsky. "It was clear that the powers-that-be didn't want Mr. Sanders to [...]

(Washington, DC)—The restless spirit of the 16th President of the United States appeared at the White House today and began loudly calling for troops to be sent to quell the secession of Great Britain from the European Union. Abraham Lincoln's ghost has long been said to haunt the building, particularly the Lincoln Bedroom, but this [...]

(Des Moines, IA)—Having stumbled repeatedly in debates and town hall events, struggling Democratic president candidate Joe Biden is trying out a new slogan based on an oft-repeated statement he has used on the campaign trail: "Go Vote for Someone Else, Fella!" "Our new slogan really encapsulates who Joe Biden is," said Biden 2020 campaign manager [...]

(Tontitown, AK)—Ozark Hills College, previously a liberal arts institution with a Great Books program at its core, today announced a series of changes, described as "right-sizing" by the college's board, in order to put the struggling university on a better financial footing. "These changes are painful but necessary," said recently-appointed college president Melvin G. Woods, [...]

(Washington, DC)—In a stunning turn of events, House impeachment managers today accused President Trump of illegally removing one of those mattress tags from a White House bed. In front of sleepy, bored-stiff Senators—some of whom had their heads leaned backward as they counted ceiling tiles—Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) declared: "We have new evidence from a [...]

(Des Moines, IA)—Having faced criticism for his repeated, inappropriate touching of women over the years at public events, former Vice President Joe Biden, in a bid to display his fair treatment of two of the three genders he recognizes, has now extended his touching to include men. Last night, as a voter questioned Mr. Biden [...]

(Des Moines, IA)—At a town hall event last night, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg had a dangerous encounter with an extremely rare creature, which political scientists described as "a Pro-Life Democrat." Long thought to be extinct—the last confirmed sighting taking sometime in the late 1980s—the creature was described as an attractive, middle-aged female, having long [...]

(Bow, NH)—Prof. David K. Bloomington of Bow College is working on a new book on the famed English author and medievalist J.R.R. Tolkien, author of The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and a bunch of other fairy-tale books that no one cares about after those two. "It's high time for a new study of [...]

(St. Louis, MO) — Ronald Hartenberg is angry that some of the free articles he has been reading on his favorite website simply don't appeal to him. "It's frustrating," Mr. Hartenberg says. "I mean, I love and agree with about 97% of what they publish, but the other 3% or so... ugh! It makes me [...]