(Los Angeles, CA)—Singer/model/actress Naomi Campbell was spotted yesterday at Tom Bradley International Airport wearing a full hazmat suit as she boarded a flight. Long known as a germophobe, Campbell's extreme measures in the face of the Coronavirus outbreak reassured her fellow passengers. "Thank God she is doing this," said Helen Ledbetter, who was trying to [...]
(Unknown location, USA)—In a videotaped statement released today by the secretive, radical group known as the Democratic National Committee, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA), speaking under obvious duress from an undisclosed location, read a prepared statement endorsing onetime rival, Joe Biden, for president. "It's quite clear that she's under coercion and that she doesn't mean what [...]
(USA)—Bells rung out, people danced in the streets, and fireworks illuminated the skies late Tuesday night across America, as the election results from the Democratic primary contests rolled in, confirming that candidate Mike Bloomberg's only chance in 2020 is to become king of a separatist state in American Samoa. Americans everywhere quickly realized that this [...]
The Unanimous Declaration of Independence made by the Delegates of the People of Texas in General Convention at the Town of Washington on the 2nd day of March 1836 When a government has ceased to protect the lives, liberty and property of the people, from whom its legitimate powers are derived, and for the advancement [...]
(Charleston, SC)—Democratic presidential frontrunner Bernie Sanders today announced that he would select the coronavirus as his running mate for the 2020 general election, if he indeed secures the presidential nomination. "First of all, I said I would pick a much younger candidate, and the virus is a lot younger than I am," Mr. Sanders said. [...]
(Menlo Park, CA)—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg today issued a personal plea to lazy, do-nothing Christians worldwide to increase their posting as much as possible during Lent as many real Christians are heroically taking Facebook fasts. "We desperately need... quote-unquote 'Christians'... who really don't sacrifice at all during Lent, and who eat lots of chocolate and [...]
(Columbia, SC)—In an effort to siphon support from his rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination, Joe Biden announced today that he now identifies as a gay, Native-American, socialist, female billionaire. "Look, I hear that all the kids are doing this identifying thing, so why not give it a try?" Mr. Biden told reporters at a [...]
(Washington, DC)—Members of the mainstream media were shocked recently when reports from U.S. intelligence officials indicated that longtime communist KGB agents now serving at the top of the Russian government may in fact have been aiding a communist running for the presidency of the United States. "Why, why would Russia want Bernie Sanders to win?" [...]
(Las Vegas, NV)—After being skewered in tonight's debate by Elizabeth Warren for his alleged harassment of women at his companies, Democratic presidential candidate Michael R. Bloomberg immediately announced that he would end the Bloomberg Company's Annual Women's Swimsuit Competition, which had been mandatory for all female employees. "Yeah, it suddenly didn't seem like a good [...]
(USA)—Satirists across the country were seen in various houses of worship over the last several days praying that floundering candidate Joe Biden remains in the Democratic presidential contest. "Joe's our bread-and-butter, to be sure," Chad Nackers, editor-in-chief of The Onion said. "He's probably been responsible for half of our web traffic since he declared for [...]
(Columbia, SC)—His presidential campaign marching into oblivion faster than a dog-faced pony soldier, Democrat Joe Biden today called his scandal-ridden son, Hunter, and asked for a job. "Hunter, it's Dad," reporters overheard Mr. Biden say as he pulled out a cell phone at an early-morning campaign stop. "No... no... no... it's nothing to do with [...]
You know how you feel... You read our thoughtful essays every day, as you yearn for deeper thinking about "the permanent things" that undergird Western Civilization and human life: philosophy, history, literature, music, the Great Books. You are thankful that in our pages you aren't confronted with tasteless, paid advertisements that ask you to purchase [...]
(Columbia, SC)—In an attempt to lighten up the atmosphere of his failing presidential campaign, Democrat Joe Biden today issued what he terms "Joe's Handy Guide to Valentine's Day." In a series of bullet points, Mr. Biden offers some tips for romance that he has learned over the years: —Women love pet names: Develop an endearing [...]
(New York, NY)—New York Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman today unleashed on the Houston Astros for cheating in an angry tirade on the eve of baseball's spring training. "It's outrageous," Mr. Cashman fumed to the media. "I mean, they've only been at it for a couple years now, while we've been finding different ways to [...]