Joe Biden Announces That He Identifies as Gay, Native-American, Socialist, Female Billionaire

By |2020-02-24T22:54:09-06:00February 24th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Columbia, SC)—In an effort to siphon support from his rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination, Joe Biden announced today that he now identifies as a gay, Native-American, socialist, female billionaire. "Look, I hear that all the kids are doing this identifying thing, so why not give it a try?" Mr. Biden told reporters at a [...]

Shock! Longtime Communist Foreign Government Favors Communist American Presidential Candidate

By |2020-02-22T21:40:15-06:00February 22nd, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Washington, DC)—Members of the mainstream media were shocked recently when reports from U.S. intelligence officials indicated that longtime communist KGB agents now serving at the top of the Russian government may in fact have been aiding a communist running for the presidency of the United States. "Why, why would Russia want Bernie Sanders to win?" [...]

Mike Bloomberg Cancels Company’s Annual Swimsuit Contest After Disastrous Debate Performance

By |2020-02-20T00:53:09-06:00February 20th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Las Vegas, NV)—After being skewered in tonight's debate by Elizabeth Warren for his alleged harassment of women at his companies, Democratic presidential candidate Michael R. Bloomberg immediately announced that he would end the Bloomberg Company's Annual Women's Swimsuit Competition, which had been mandatory for all female employees. "Yeah, it suddenly didn't seem like a good [...]

Satire Writers Praying That Joe Biden Stays in the Presidential Race

By |2020-02-19T16:27:48-06:00February 19th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(USA)—Satirists across the country were seen in various houses of worship over the last several days praying that floundering candidate Joe Biden remains in the Democratic presidential contest. "Joe's our bread-and-butter, to be sure," Chad Nackers, editor-in-chief of The Onion said. "He's probably been responsible for half of our web traffic since he declared for [...]

Joe Biden Phones Son Hunter, Asks for a Job

By |2020-02-13T18:07:39-06:00February 13th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Columbia, SC)—His presidential campaign marching into oblivion faster than a dog-faced pony soldier, Democrat Joe Biden today called his scandal-ridden son, Hunter, and asked for a job. "Hunter, it's Dad," reporters overheard Mr. Biden say as he pulled out a cell phone at an early-morning campaign stop. "No... no... no... it's nothing to do with [...]

Joe Biden’s Handy Guide to Valentine’s Day

By |2020-02-13T16:18:57-06:00February 11th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Columbia, SC)—In an attempt to lighten up the atmosphere of his failing presidential campaign, Democrat Joe Biden today issued what he terms "Joe's Handy Guide to Valentine's Day." In a series of bullet points, Mr. Biden offers some tips for romance that he has learned over the years: —Women love pet names: Develop an endearing [...]

New York Yankees Furious That Houston Astros Had Cheating System Superior to Their Own

By |2020-02-09T09:39:49-06:00February 9th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(New York, NY)—New York Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman today unleashed on the Houston Astros for cheating in an angry tirade on the eve of baseball's spring training. "It's outrageous," Mr. Cashman fumed to the media. "I mean, they've only been at it for a couple years now, while we've been finding different ways to [...]

Republicans File Missing Person’s Report on Pete Buttigieg’s Husband

By |2020-02-08T15:29:10-06:00February 8th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Nashua, NH)—The Republican party today filed a missing person's report for the long-unseen "husband" of Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg. Indeed, Chasten Buttigieg has not been seen on the campaign trail since prior to the time that Mr. Buttigieg—that is, Pete Buttigieg—announced his candidacy. "It's troubling," said Ronna McDaniel, the chairman of the Republican National [...]

Body Language Expert Suspects Democrats Didn’t Like State of the Union Address

By |2020-02-05T00:27:12-06:00February 5th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Washington, DC)—Dr. Irving P. Lendrim, author of I See You, I Hear You, watched President Trump's State of the Union Address tonight and had some tentative conclusions about what Democrats in the chamber thought of the remarks. "Body language interpretation is not an exact science," said Dr. Lendrim, "but I'm pretty comfortable drawing some conclusions [...]

Bernie Sanders Stung by Hoax Valentine Sent by Hillary Clinton

By |2020-02-13T16:35:23-06:00February 4th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Charleston, SC)—Holding in his trembling right hand what appeared to be a typical Valentine's Day greeting card, Bernie Sanders was seen fighting back tears today while out on the campaign trail. When a reporter asked Senator Sanders who sent the card, he sputtered through clenched teeth and a quivering upper lip, "Hillary... Hillary sent the [...]

Vladimir Putin Hires Iowa Democratic Party to Monitor Next Russian Election

By |2020-02-04T16:10:51-06:00February 4th, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Moscow)—President Vladimir Putin today hired the Iowa Democratic party to monitor the next Russian presidential election... whenever Mr. Putin deigns to hold another such event. "We were very impressed with the Iowa Democrats' ability to conceal a clear fraud," said Putin advisor, Alexei Volkonsky. "It was clear that the powers-that-be didn't want Mr. Sanders to [...]

Lincoln’s Ghost Appears, Declares War on Seceded Great Britain

By |2020-02-02T15:37:07-06:00February 2nd, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Washington, DC)—The restless spirit of the 16th President of the United States appeared at the White House today and began loudly calling for troops to be sent to quell the secession of Great Britain from the European Union. Abraham Lincoln's ghost has long been said to haunt the building, particularly the Lincoln Bedroom, but this [...]

Joe Biden Tries Out New Campaign Slogan: “Go Vote for Someone Else, Fella”

By |2020-03-11T15:14:15-05:00February 1st, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Des Moines, IA)—Having stumbled repeatedly in debates and town hall events, struggling Democratic president candidate Joe Biden is trying out a new slogan based on an oft-repeated statement he has used on the campaign trail: "Go Vote for Someone Else, Fella!" "Our new slogan really encapsulates who Joe Biden is," said Biden 2020 campaign manager [...]

Small Liberal Arts College “Right-Sizes” by Burning Professors, Books, and Buildings

By |2020-02-04T12:00:54-06:00January 31st, 2020|Categories: Satire|

(Tontitown, AK)—Ozark Hills College, previously a liberal arts institution with a Great Books program at its core, today announced a series of changes, described as "right-sizing" by the college's board, in order to put the struggling university on a better financial footing. "These changes are painful but necessary," said recently-appointed college president Melvin G. Woods, [...]

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