(Charleston, SC)—Democratic presidential frontrunner Bernie Sanders today announced that he would select the coronavirus as his running mate for the 2020 general election, if he indeed secures the presidential nomination. "First of all, I said I would pick a much younger candidate, and the virus is a lot younger than I am," Mr. Sanders said. [...]
(Menlo Park, CA)—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg today issued a personal plea to lazy, do-nothing Christians worldwide to increase their posting as much as possible during Lent as many real Christians are heroically taking Facebook fasts. "We desperately need... quote-unquote 'Christians'... who really don't sacrifice at all during Lent, and who eat lots of chocolate and [...]
(Columbia, SC)—In an effort to siphon support from his rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination, Joe Biden announced today that he now identifies as a gay, Native-American, socialist, female billionaire. "Look, I hear that all the kids are doing this identifying thing, so why not give it a try?" Mr. Biden told reporters at a [...]
(Washington, DC)—Members of the mainstream media were shocked recently when reports from U.S. intelligence officials indicated that longtime communist KGB agents now serving at the top of the Russian government may in fact have been aiding a communist running for the presidency of the United States. "Why, why would Russia want Bernie Sanders to win?" [...]
(Las Vegas, NV)—After being skewered in tonight's debate by Elizabeth Warren for his alleged harassment of women at his companies, Democratic presidential candidate Michael R. Bloomberg immediately announced that he would end the Bloomberg Company's Annual Women's Swimsuit Competition, which had been mandatory for all female employees. "Yeah, it suddenly didn't seem like a good [...]
(USA)—Satirists across the country were seen in various houses of worship over the last several days praying that floundering candidate Joe Biden remains in the Democratic presidential contest. "Joe's our bread-and-butter, to be sure," Chad Nackers, editor-in-chief of The Onion said. "He's probably been responsible for half of our web traffic since he declared for [...]
(Columbia, SC)—His presidential campaign marching into oblivion faster than a dog-faced pony soldier, Democrat Joe Biden today called his scandal-ridden son, Hunter, and asked for a job. "Hunter, it's Dad," reporters overheard Mr. Biden say as he pulled out a cell phone at an early-morning campaign stop. "No... no... no... it's nothing to do with [...]
(Columbia, SC)—In an attempt to lighten up the atmosphere of his failing presidential campaign, Democrat Joe Biden today issued what he terms "Joe's Handy Guide to Valentine's Day." In a series of bullet points, Mr. Biden offers some tips for romance that he has learned over the years: —Women love pet names: Develop an endearing [...]
(New York, NY)—New York Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman today unleashed on the Houston Astros for cheating in an angry tirade on the eve of baseball's spring training. "It's outrageous," Mr. Cashman fumed to the media. "I mean, they've only been at it for a couple years now, while we've been finding different ways to [...]
(Nashua, NH)—The Republican party today filed a missing person's report for the long-unseen "husband" of Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg. Indeed, Chasten Buttigieg has not been seen on the campaign trail since prior to the time that Mr. Buttigieg—that is, Pete Buttigieg—announced his candidacy. "It's troubling," said Ronna McDaniel, the chairman of the Republican National [...]
(Washington, DC)—Dr. Irving P. Lendrim, author of I See You, I Hear You, watched President Trump's State of the Union Address tonight and had some tentative conclusions about what Democrats in the chamber thought of the remarks. "Body language interpretation is not an exact science," said Dr. Lendrim, "but I'm pretty comfortable drawing some conclusions [...]
(Charleston, SC)—Holding in his trembling right hand what appeared to be a typical Valentine's Day greeting card, Bernie Sanders was seen fighting back tears today while out on the campaign trail. When a reporter asked Senator Sanders who sent the card, he sputtered through clenched teeth and a quivering upper lip, "Hillary... Hillary sent the [...]
(Moscow)—President Vladimir Putin today hired the Iowa Democratic party to monitor the next Russian presidential election... whenever Mr. Putin deigns to hold another such event. "We were very impressed with the Iowa Democrats' ability to conceal a clear fraud," said Putin advisor, Alexei Volkonsky. "It was clear that the powers-that-be didn't want Mr. Sanders to [...]
(Washington, DC)—The restless spirit of the 16th President of the United States appeared at the White House today and began loudly calling for troops to be sent to quell the secession of Great Britain from the European Union. Abraham Lincoln's ghost has long been said to haunt the building, particularly the Lincoln Bedroom, but this [...]