(Moscow)—President Vladimir Putin today hired the Iowa Democratic party to monitor the next Russian presidential election... whenever Mr. Putin deigns to hold another such event. "We were very impressed with the Iowa Democrats' ability to conceal a clear fraud," said Putin advisor, Alexei Volkonsky. "It was clear that the powers-that-be didn't want Mr. Sanders to [...]

(Washington, DC)—The restless spirit of the 16th President of the United States appeared at the White House today and began loudly calling for troops to be sent to quell the secession of Great Britain from the European Union. Abraham Lincoln's ghost has long been said to haunt the building, particularly the Lincoln Bedroom, but this [...]

(Des Moines, IA)—Having stumbled repeatedly in debates and town hall events, struggling Democratic president candidate Joe Biden is trying out a new slogan based on an oft-repeated statement he has used on the campaign trail: "Go Vote for Someone Else, Fella!" "Our new slogan really encapsulates who Joe Biden is," said Biden 2020 campaign manager [...]

(Tontitown, AK)—Ozark Hills College, previously a liberal arts institution with a Great Books program at its core, today announced a series of changes, described as "right-sizing" by the college's board, in order to put the struggling university on a better financial footing. "These changes are painful but necessary," said recently-appointed college president Melvin G. Woods, [...]

(Washington, DC)—In a stunning turn of events, House impeachment managers today accused President Trump of illegally removing one of those mattress tags from a White House bed. In front of sleepy, bored-stiff Senators—some of whom had their heads leaned backward as they counted ceiling tiles—Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) declared: "We have new evidence from a [...]

(Des Moines, IA)—Having faced criticism for his repeated, inappropriate touching of women over the years at public events, former Vice President Joe Biden, in a bid to display his fair treatment of two of the three genders he recognizes, has now extended his touching to include men. Last night, as a voter questioned Mr. Biden [...]

(Des Moines, IA)—At a town hall event last night, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg had a dangerous encounter with an extremely rare creature, which political scientists described as "a Pro-Life Democrat." Long thought to be extinct—the last confirmed sighting taking sometime in the late 1980s—the creature was described as an attractive, middle-aged female, having long [...]

(Bow, NH)—Prof. David K. Bloomington of Bow College is working on a new book on the famed English author and medievalist J.R.R. Tolkien, author of The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and a bunch of other fairy-tale books that no one cares about after those two. "It's high time for a new study of [...]

(St. Louis, MO) — Ronald Hartenberg is angry that some of the free articles he has been reading on his favorite website simply don't appeal to him. "It's frustrating," Mr. Hartenberg says. "I mean, I love and agree with about 97% of what they publish, but the other 3% or so... ugh! It makes me [...]

(Washington, DC)—Covington Catholic High School student Nick Sandmann had to save his allowance for six months to attend the March For Life in Washington last year. But this year, CNN was gracious enough to fund the trip in its entirety. "It's so nice of them," Mr. Sandmann said. "I mean, not only did they pay [...]

(Washington, DC)—During an interval in the impeachment hearings today, Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT) was seen staring into the sunset from a balcony of the Russell Senate Office Building. When questioned by a reporter as to what was on his mind, Sen. Sanders responded: "Well, you know, I've been thinking... I need to stop telling broads [...]

(Washington, DC)—The Senate impeachment trial of President Trump was halted today when Democratic Senators noticed that Bernie Sanders (D-VT) was missing from the Senate chambers. Some thought it was yet another long bathroom break for the 78-year-old presidential candidate, but when three hours had passed, and there was no sign of him, Capitol Hill police [...]

(Ottawa)—Last night, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that Canada would offer asylum to a husband-and-wife team whom British security forces have been monitoring for years. According to top British intelligence officials, the two constituted a sleeper cell—"an undetected cancer on the Royal family and body politic," as one agent put it—that had been activated [...]